Premise Script V1- Draft
Premise Script v1 by Ollie Thacker on Scribd This is the first iteration of the story for my premise project. At first I thought I would do a story based on making gold, as that was the action my character was doing in my Character Design project. However I thought a pilot episode where the character makes his sidekick character. I'm also considering writing the gold making episode as an additional episode. The reason why is because I'd like to do my project as a pitch in order to get this show made into a real tv show. I definitely know there are some things that need changing, especially since this is the first draft of this script. Also I'm hoping that the writing of the script will help me come up with a name for the show, something which I am struggling with at the moment.
Ollie -
ReplyDeleteI was surprised at the small numbers of pages of your design bible, and looking at the content it’s clear there are several elements missing. I have enjoyed seeing your central character develop over the project and the result is a fun, engaging character. However I feel your turnarounds lack structure and your expression and gesture sheets, with just a couple of examples each, don’t fully explore the personality of your character.
I feel we need to see more props and elements of the alchemist’s world. The machine is interesting and characterful but without a storyboard or animation layout, it’s difficult to see how the character interacts with this environmental element. The lab is very basic and needs a lot of work - it feels rushed and unloved. And frustratingly, the central video game theme which inspired the design of your character, is absent from your design bible.
So in conclusion, as it stands, your design bible needs much more content to illustrate your central theme and narrative. I urge you to expand your expressions and gesture sheets, add storyboards and an animation layout, and fully developed the alchemist’s world and props. Only with these elements will your central character will be fully rounded and developed. - Justin